Kids in big families will tell you that always having someone else to blame for stuff is their favorite part of having lots of brothers and sisters. And any that say something else are lying. My last couple of kids’ first complete sentence was, “He did it.” Sometimes I lay in bed at night fantasizing about fingerprinting, DNA sampling, and video surveillance to catch the real culprits. Here is my list of things I would like to discipline someone for if I could ever figure out whom that someone was!
1. Whose poop is on the wall?
2. Whose pee is on the floor?
3. Who bit one point off each star-shaped donut and sucked out all the fillings?
4. Who stuffed a partially eaten hamburger under the seat in the car?
5. Who tossed an apple core behind the couch?
6. Who got all of the Halloween costumes out in March?
7. Who spilled an entire bowl of cereal on the floor and just left it there?
8. Who left the fridge door open? (This could be numbers 1-100 by itself.)
9-14. Who broke the (fill in the blank)?
15. Who tossed a lunch box, a hair bow, the baby’s shoe, a toy car, a used paper plate,
a fork, and a half-finished math paper in the laundry room while we were ‘picking up’?
16-21. Who left their gum on the (fill in a location)?
22. Whose sucker is stuck in the bathroom rug?
23. Who used an entire roll of masking tape to create what I
can only describe as a mock laser beam maze?
24. Who put a pizza crust in a cup of pop and set inside the linen closet in the basement bathroom?
25. Who unpaused my TV show and changed the channel to ‘Dog with a Blog’?
26. Who ruined my good scissors by cutting plastic?
27. Who cut a dollar bill into 85 million pieces?
28. Who colored on the couch with a permanent marker?
29. Who colored on the baby with a permanent marker?
30. Who used three packets of frosting on one toaster strudel?
31. Who threw a shoe on top of the entertainment center?
32. Who threw away all the real mayonnaise including the extra bottle in the pantry just to be sure his or her sandwich is always made with Miracle Whip? (Okay, so this may not have actually happened. It is possible that I am paranoid about them plotting against me, but I sure thought I bought some mayo!)
I have discovered the perpetrator responsible for a few of these
incidents via intense interrogation techniques, but apparently most of them have
been committed by my invisible 8th child named Notme.
I am the mother of seven children ranging from teens to a toddler, living out in the middle of nowhere, USA. I aim to hone the craft of giving advice without pretending to have this whole mom thing figured out. I am Christian, but not the really nice kind that is good at it. I am also conservative, but I promise not to be in your face with political agendas very often. I like to infuse humor into my writing, so don't freak out if you are offended or appalled by what you read here. There is a very fine line between serious advice and sarcastic hyperbole.
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